Spirituality, Meditation and Energy Healing
Conscious Awareness Creates True Intimacy
Blame and Defend. Blame and Defend. And the carousel goes ‘round and ‘round.
A couple is out to dinner at their favorite fancy restaurant. To charge it up, let’s say it’s Valentine’s Day. As they’re sipping a glass of wine, a mutual acquaintance walks up to their table and says hello. The three of them exchange light pleasantries for a few moments. After the brief encounter, the conversation at the table between the couple shifts gears.
Woman: “Why didn’t you just get up and take her clothes off. You practically undressed her with your eyes.”
Man: “What? Are you out of your mind? What are you talking about? All I did was say hello. I wasn’t doing anything. Geez, get a grip.”
Blame and Defend.
Statistics tells us that roughly 50% of marriages end up in divorce. Of those 50%, I’m guessing that at least half are victims of the Blame/Defend Ritual. There’s another word for it. It’s call projection. And the weird part is, it usually doesn’t have anything to do with the marriage itself. That’s fairly easy to discern if the same issues come up in the next relationship.
Projection happens when we spew unresolved emotion from the past (i.e. fear, anger, pain) into the present situation. Both the man and woman of the Valentine’s Day dinner were unsuspecting contestants in the game. The woman’s insecurity was triggered because her father left her mother for another woman when she was four years old. The man was making an inappropriate connection with their acquaintance, to fill his insatiable neediness that was caused by being raised and neglected in an alcoholic family.
If you’re reading this and feeling a little holier-than-thou because you’ve never sunk to such low levels of behavior…look again. We all do it. No one is exempt. Your projection just might not show up in your primary relationship. But it might at work, or with your kids, or with the way you handle money. In fact, the scenarios are endless.
So what do you do to make the Blame/Defend Ritual stop?
Well, it’s not as hard as you might think. The first step is awareness. Recognize you’re caught in the Blame/Defend game and that you have a tendency to project unresolved emotions. That will be about 90% of the cure.
Next, take responsibility for your role and catch yourself in the act. Then decide to stop the pattern. Realize you are creating your own suffering. If your partner can do the same, the beauty of relationship may be just around the corner.
After that, learn how to release suppressed emotion from the past. It’s not that difficult. When your emotion next presents itself, close your eyes and pay attention to where you feel it in your body. Then with gentle focused concentration, feel it until it releases. This is a very basic meditation/spiritual skill that can be mastered with a little practice and consistent effort. It’s a tool to free you from the past.
It will also save your marriage. It might even create genuine, long-lasting intimacy.
*Since the early 1990’s, I’ve evolved into an expert at helping people heal repeating patterns of stress and pain. For more info, please visit me at: www.josephdrumheller.com I’d love to hear from you.
photo: Ed Yourdon, Flickr