Spirituality, Meditation and Energy Healing
A Spiritual Satire – The Fab Five (minus two)
In my last blog, The Power of Bob, I stumbled on to a meditation group led by a genuine modern-day-Jesus, by the name of Bob. Part of Bob’s following was composed of a ragtag bunch of misfits, I lovingly referred to as the B-squad. Today, I pick up at Bob’s next gathering.
After that last meditation, I had a stretch of tough luck at the dog track and owed a few shekels to a less-than-savory fellow. I was in desperate need of some quick cash. So I approached Bob to see if he could spin a little miracle on my cash flow.
He was delighted and said, Most certainly! However, I can see you have the capacity to judge in your heart. That needs to be healed first. However, you can rapidly accelerate the healing process. All you need to do is simply become acquainted with a few from the B-Squad, as you call them. Then, I’ll help you with your finances.
My first resistant inclination was, No way. Stupid. Forget it. I’m outta here.
Then I thought, Geez, I guess that is rather judgmental. Figuring my finances (and very possibly my knee caps) were on the line, I reconsidered. Well, okay then…Maybe he’s right…Gawd!…I really hate spiritual lessons.
I had to muster my courage but I finally got the nerve to introduce myself around to Bob’s B-squad. They took me right in. The total number of the sub-sect, I previously and judgmentally referred to as losers, fluctuated between twelve and twenty souls. Most of them were nice, rather ordinary people who tried to find meaning in life by giving their personal power away to a spiritual cult. Quite honestly, they would have made very boring reading. So I’ve focused on five that stand out, head and shoulders, above the rest. I call them the Fab Five. Meet the first three.
Hopefully you’ve already had the opportunity to meet the sweetie pie, Moonbeam, in The Enlightenment of Moonbeam. She’s a gem, the princess of the B-squad.
After I met Moonbeam, she introduced me to a guy by the name of Chavey Warren. He was an overly enthusiastic MLM sales rep, hot on Ultra Pure Electro-ionized Water Systems. He proclaimed just one sip of water run through one of his super-charged filters rendered every imaginable cure known to mankind obsolete. As an extra added bonus, he declared, the water treated with his Electro-ionized Systems becomes so amped up, you can even run small appliances with it. Not to mention, it can also polish silver.
God’s honest truth. Look, he said, It’s all right here!, as he shoved a brochure into my hand.
The pamphlet featured photographs of prize winning pumpkins. The little shriveled up one was raised on tap water. The gigantic one next to it was raised on Ultra Pure Electro-ionized Water Systems and weighed in at 1300 pounds. The mammoth beast even captured the blue ribbon from the County Fair!
Then Chavey incessantly went on about Jerry Stubblefield, a classmate of his from 3rd grade. Did you know Stubbs? He was a big boy. I mean a BIG boy. He could have scored a blue ribbon at the County Fair all by himself. Ya know why? Diet. That’s right, diet. Stubbs was raised mostly on Sugar Pops and Wendy’s drive-thru. But most importantly, all he drank was tap water.
As I hurriedly turned away, Chavey grabbed me by the arm and thrust out his his chest, proudly announcing, Not anymore! Every since I got Stubbs on Ultra Pure Electro-ionized Water Systems he morphed into a 3-time world triathlon champ. I’m telling ya, these filters do miracles. Just like our meditation leader, Bob. In fact, the main reason I come to these mediation meetings is to get Bob to sign up as a rep underneath me. I’m sure he’ll be excited about the thrilling incentive structure and exponential bonus plans.
I didn’t know what to do so I said, Okay, Chavey. Whatever. Then, I went on to buy a case of filters just to shut him up. He put them in the trunk of my car. They’re still there.
Next, I met Lenny VanSyklen from Time Machine International. I swiped this dated photo from his high school year book. He was a senior. As far as I can tell, he was and is, a dead ringer for a cross between Woody Allen and Pee Wee Herman. When I met him, I assumed he ran out of dental floss.
I was a bit put off by Lenny’s gingivitis, so Chavey gave me the inside scoop. Looking guilty and talking out to the side of his mouth, Chavey said, I don’t take no stock in rippin’ people behind their backs ‘cuz I’m tryin’ to be spiritual and all. But I have to take exception for Lenny. He’s a total whack job. He thinks he’s here from the future and is invisibly radiating Divine grace to everyone at Bob’s meditation gatherings. He’s a computer geek who invented this time machine, which I have yet to see work. He also started an international “science” club with an MLM incentive pyramid. The club’s a joke but he does have an interesting sales plan with some nifty perks.
Since I was in the spirit of adventure, I went to a ‘Science Forum’ at Lenny’s house. It turned out to be an excessively pushy sales meeting, fueled up with over-zealous science (fiction). He said if I signed up under him, right now, I’d be an instant Level 2 Science Supervisor. All I needed to do was buy twenty time machines to sell to my future ex-friends. Then I’d have a shot at an exotic science vacation, like touring NASA or visiting the space ride at Disney World.
The only way I managed to escape the meeting was by jumping out of the bathroom window. No joke. I was paying some hard-earned dues. It was Bob’s attempt to get me to stop judging a bunch of knuckle-dragging jackasses.
Meet the rest next week…
Dedicated to those of us who can take our spirituaity a little too seriously at times
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