How to Get Divorced – The Divorce Handbook for Beginners

Spirituality, Meditation and Healing

what now? - Kiran Foster Flickr CC
what now? – Kiran Foster
Flickr CC

Nobody gets married with the intention of splitting up.

However, statistics tell us that about 50% of all marriages end in divorce.  It you’re new to the divorce game, here are a few tips to help prepare you for the process.

Divorce is About Growth

As painful as it may be, divorce is about moving into a new phase of personal development.  If you take a deep honest look, you may even see a higher power involved, moving you closer to the person you are meant to be.  However, you have to be willing to look.

Maybe you will experience emotions you never knew existed.  Maybe you have to reach down and find a strength you didn’t know you had.  Maybe the blinders will fall away and offer a new view of life, from a more realistic prospective.  Maybe you were caught up in co-dependency and were unknowingly living someone else’s life.  Maybe you’ll do some healing.  Believe it or not, some people look so deep, they actually have a spiritual awakening.

No matter the circumstances, you will have opportunities to experience things you never have before.  It’s the perfect time to grow as a person.


It’s always the other person’s fault.  Wrong!  Every divorce has a 50/50 component in its creation.  Okay, maybe sometimes it’s 51/49.  But even in the most egregious circumstances, there is a perpetrator and a victim.  Everyone plays their part.  One of the quickest ways to come to terms with divorce is to take responsibility for your role.  It may be hard to do but deep down, it’s honest.  The truth will set you free.

Suppressed Emotion

Suffering is never about the other person.  It’s about what’s going on inside of you.  Emotions are born to be experienced.  When they are, they dissipate.  When they aren’t, the get stuffed into the subconscious mind, where they live like little entities wanting  to escape.  That’s when they create repeatings patterns of the same circumstances, in order to be experienced.

Divorce is a prime example.  Strong emotions come up from the past.  Instead of experiencing the emotions and setting them free, they get projected on to the other spouse.  That sets up the never-ending and unproductive blame and defend ritual.  At that point, without communication, a relationship is doomed.

To head off the blame and defend ritual, meditation techniques can be extremely effective in releasing suppressed emotion from the past.  However, to patch up a strained marriage, both people must take responsibility for what is going on inside of them.

Take a look at my website for more info on healing.


Unfortunately, infidelity is very common in divorce.  Why?  Because a third party enters the picture to serve as a pry bar, facilitating a divorce that wouldn’t happen otherwise.  It also gives one of the spouses a safer place to land…temporarily.

However, those relationships rarely last.  That’s because the spouse having the affair isn’t looking inside themselves, to deal with the cause of their marital problems.  Therefore, the same problems will repeat.  By then, that affair will end, having served it’s purpose of causing the divorce.

The Emotional Powder Keg – Filing for Divorce

Okay, so far so good.  The separation is going fairly smooth.

Wait until you file for divorce.  That’s when the bombs go off.  Money represents power, or lack thereof.  Splitting the money and signing on the bottom line is when the power struggles emerge.  When it’s time to file legal paperwork, power imbalances may surface with vigor.  Take a deep breath and be prepared.

Spousal Support – A Long-term Recipe for Manipulation

Spousal support is a regular payment from one spouse to another, when there is a significant disparity in income.  It’s not hard to imagine the nightmarish scenarios of being dependent on your former spouse.  More often than not, it sets up the conditions for long-term stressful uncertainty for the recipient, at the whim of their often embittered ex.  Manipulation can run to extremes and non-payment is difficult to enforce.

If possible, the best case option is for an equitable, one-time, lump-sum payoff.

Nobody Wins in Divorce Court…Except Lawyers

Divorce courts are set up to act as conduits to funnel rage.  In the end, nobody wins except the lawyers.  Your lawyer is not on your side.  He’s on his own side.  Just look at your legal fees.  Expect a consortium of toothless motions, unnecessary and brutal depositions, and endless court date delays.  Your lawyer will do anything to drag the process out for his benefit.  And it will cost you a fortune.

It’s also not about justice.  The spouse with the deeper pockets can use the system to bully the other, until their money dries up.

However, divorce court does serve it’s purpose.  It diffuses people’s rage by bleeding them of their finances.  Eventually, both sides will give up and realize it’s not worth it.  By the time the gavel finally falls, both parties are generally disgusted with the process and dissatisfied with the outcome.

Avoid divorce court if at all possible.

Leave the Kids Out of It

The real losers in divorce are kids.  They don’t want to see their parents split up.  Their confused worlds get turned upside down and their sense of security gets shattered.

Furthermore, no matter how bitter you feel, don’t demonize your former spouse.  Although it may give you a momentary sense of satisfaction, it can scar the kids for a lifetime.

Kids need love, not revenge.

Grief – The One Person Roller Coaster

Divorce is death.  Maybe not in the physical sense but something has died…your marriage.  Grieving after a divorce can be no different than grieving after a death.  Most people can expect an emotional roller coast ride for a year or two.  It’s not uncommon for a variety of emotions to roll in like ocean waves.  Once you think you’re done, another wave rolls in.

Divorce means Divorced

In the early days of separation, many couples think they can part and still remain friends.  However, in the end, most can’t.  That’s because the divorce process tears two lives asunder.  It’s a painful process that extinguishes trust, goals, hopes and dreams.  It hurts.  Plus, both spouses come out on the other side as different people.  Maintaining a friendship may not be possible…or even desirable.  Furthermore, any future partner won’t want you to associate with your ex.  There’s too much history, especially in the areas of sexual and emotional connection.

However, on a side note, it’s a great idea to remain amiable on the surface, if you have kids.

Freedom – Party Like It’s ’99

Divorce isn’t all bad.  Don’t forget there’s a new you emerging.  You may experience an exhilarating sense of freedom, unlike anything you’ve ever known.  It can be one heck of a lot of fun.  But don’t worry.  Life will go back to normal in a year or two.

Redirection – The New Wiser You

Congratulations.  You made it through your divorce.  If you’re like most people, it will land in the Top 5 of your Most Difficult Challenges in Life.  You are now a new person, on a new life course.  You’re stronger, wiser, and hopefully closer to the person you are meant to be.

Hopefully, at some point, you’ll even find it in your heart to forgive your ex.  Don’t forget, your divorce is also on their list of the Top 5 Most Difficult Challenges in Life.


I’ve successfully helped a number of people through divorce.  For more info. into the worlds of Meditation, Healing and Spirituality please visit my website at: 


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